JACK'S LOG
by deetatarant
Summary: My version of the Captain's Blog!
1. Chapter 1

46

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: The clean up at Canary Wharf, and Cardiff has been a bit of a nightmare. We lost James. He was taken out by a Cyberman right here in the tourist office. Good job Owen had his wits about him really. It could've been much worse. We've started getting all the casualty data, most of the names I recognise, including one Rose Tyler and Mickey Smith, mostly staff from T1. Everyone here is shattered by recent events; the whole thing has just overwhelmed us really. UNIT have been co-ordinating the search to make sure there are no Cybermen or Daleks still here. I got an official reprimand from UNIT HQ regarding the activities at T1. Nothing to do with me of course. Yvonne was always a bit of a power freak. They want me to have a UNIT officer based here to monitor our activities and I politely (Well not so politely actually) told them where to shove that suggestion.**_

_**We dodged the bullet on this one. I'm thinking we may not be so lucky next time.**_

_**The rift has finally settled, readings are back down to normal and the dimensional breach over East London has closed, hopefully for good. I don't know how that happened or even why Rose was at T1, but I am certain it was something to do with an old acquaintance of mine.**_

_**As for James, I had to visit his wife and explain why his kids will never see their dad again. He was a good man, we're all going to miss him and now I am back down to three members of staff with way too much to do. Just when things seemed to be working out nicely here.**_

_**I'd like to suggest the team all take a nice well earned break from all of this, but they can't and neither can I and we could all do with one, preferable somewhere hot and sunny with lots of nice cute boys and girls for us to play with. Dream on Jack. I think I need reminding why I am still on this dumb planet. **_

_**I met this weird guy last night. He'd obviously tracked me down deliberately. One of the survivors from T1, I find out having checked up his name. (Kinda cute for a Welsh boy). He was a bit creepy though and I am not sure what he was trying to achieve, I have a feeling I haven't seen the last of him. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Yep, the creepy boy came back and rather disconcertingly he was right outside my 'front door'. Excellent coffee though. Do I need a tea boy? Tempting, because he's cute but ten out of ten for weirdness. I think the battle of Canary Wharf has left its mark on him.**_

_**Owen and I are going to James's funeral tomorrow. Normally we'd never release the body. But he has kids, they need to say goodbye to their Dad, it was the least I could do.**_

_**Rift still nice and quiet, I wish UNIT would be the same. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_** Quite possibly against my better judgement I have decided to recruit one Ianto Jones, the cute weird one. Truth is the kid is tenacious and much cleverer than he makes himself out to be. I went through his employment file from T1 it's pretty impressive for an office boy, with the added bundle of petty theft and car stealing, he's quite a character. He's neat too, maybe some of that will wear off on Owen. Anyway I need someone I can off load all the paperwork on to. Ianto should do that just fine. I suspect I am basing my decision on my hormones, but I'll give him a month and if it's a wrong move I shall just have to Retcon his arse back to East London.**_

_**The Pterodactyl has settled in pretty well. Tosh loved it and Owen just told me that he wasn't employed to clean up dinosaur droppings. Suzie and Ianto will be building it a cage to sleep in this week. Hopefully Ianto will settle in as well, he seems ok, very quiet though. I put him through his paces in the firing range; he's a good marksman, just hates guns.**_

_**Rift still quiet. Thank goodness. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Suzie and Ianto completed the cage for Myfanwy (or big bird depending on who I am talking to!). Ianto's been getting on pretty well with things starting with a major housekeeping session. A neat, clean and tidy 24-year-old man? That IS weird! In fairness to Ianto as unsociable as he is, he's worked dam hard over the last few weeks and I no longer have a backlog of reports to finalise. The kid does everything asked of him with out fuss or comment and very occasionally a smile (which seriously increases the cuteness factor.)**_

_**We are all still missing James, because he was loud and full of craziness and Ianto in no way replaces him, but I would be hard pushed to find fault with Ianto's work here. I told him he could stay on. His reaction was simple 'Thank you sir' and that's it. The others while not really bothered about Ianto himself are definitely appreciating a nice tidy Hub and decent coffee. Ianto's done some good work on our tourist office too. He doesn't respond at all to my outrageous flirting (So definitely not gay).**_

_**Had to make arrangements to send another patient to my Island hospital. It was pretty distressing and each time I face one of these it gets harder. The Rift is very unforgiving.**_

_**There were a couple of minor energy rift spikes this morning at 3am, sent Tosh to check it out, but nothing doing. Owen finally finished work on the vaccine for 'weevil flu'. Not that it is really from the weevils so that's pretty misleading. I sent a batch to UNIT at Owen's behest so they could do a double check on his research, never hurts to be sure he's got it right I suppose. But I know Owen. It'll be right. **_

_**Suzie's just started the work on stripping down the pulse weapon we picked up in an antique shop of all places. This was down to Ianto, he's an internet freak, knows Ebay inside out and he's tracked down one or two items that way, so I've made that one of his projects.**_

_**Not much else to tell really, we could all still use a break so I am rotating a week off for each member of the team over the next month, not Ianto, he hasn't been here long enough.**_

_**Note to myself. SUV MOT. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG; Capt. J. Harkness: We found a very interesting item in the harbour. Suzie's taken charge of studying it. It's like an armoured glove. I haven't seen the like before except strangely enough here on Earth but this one is techie stuff comes with matching dagger, very chiche if you have a Knight fetish. I passed it to Ianto to photograph for the archive and he paled visibly when he touched it. I thought he was going to faint, but he just looked at me stoically and said 'yes sir consider it done.'. No one else has been affected by touching it.**_

_**Owen's been studying this pheromone potion, we found a case (like a suitcase), full of alien clothes and accessories and perfumes. Tosh and Owen have had a great time looking through that lot.**_

_**What is strange to me is Ianto's complete lack of interest in such things. Nothing seems to surprise him or make him look in wonder. He just accepts and gets on like it's all completely normal to him. Perhaps his experiences at T1 are responsible for that. He's still as quiet as ever and the coffee is fantastic, don't think he gets out much. He's starting sorting the vast mess that is the vaults. He told me he'd get everything properly catalogued and stored, so far so good.**_

_**The Rift has been spiking again over the last few days. Nothing major. **_

_**Note to self: Fix Ladder that goes down to my bunk before I break my neck again. ENTRY CLOSES**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Everything nice and quiet so the gang have been catching up on things that need doing like their paperwork.**_

_**Suzie still working on the glove. Seems to think it's a device for resurrecting the dead (God knows how she came to that conclusion!), so we're now monitoring the police com traffic to find new bodies to resurrect as it did not work on anyone currently residing in our morgue.**_

_**The generator has been a bit arsy again, so Ianto fixed it. He's been quieter than normal and never seems to go home. Truth is he's running this place very efficiently. Everything is where it should be and he has an uncanny knack of knowing when I need coffee or pizza or anything else. Trying to get a conversation out of him is like trying to break a stone with a feather. He is lovely to look at though. I guess he's just a very private person.**_

_**Rift: One massive spike at 2pm this afternoon. It blew out two of the restraint couplers on the manipulator; fortunately aside from giving the poor office boy a bit of a fright no one was hurt. Have effected the repairs myself and raised the restraint parameters so any excess energy gets earthed under the Hub.**_

_**Tosh and Ianto to install new emergency lighting starting tomorrow.**_

_**Had to email Matthew at UNIT to remind him (again) to return borrowed equipment. ENTRY CLOSES**_

_**TOORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Bored poor Ianto to death with the accounts all week. Actually he took it all in his stride and as always just quietly got on with what I asked him to do. Have tried to be friendly (Not flirting!) but Ianto isn't in the least bit interested in talking about anything except work. He's so not normal. I did get a couple of smiles out of him when I started talking about one of my dodgy dates but he was just focussed on the task and that was that. I can guess pretty much what he saw at Canary Wharf, I know he lost his girlfriend, it would just be nice to get him integrated into the team a bit more. I have to remind Owen to stop calling him tea boy as well. Any way Ianto got the work done, ahead of my schedule.**_

_**We tried a first go with the 'resurrection gauntlet' on a fresh body. Yep that was not a nice experience. Suzie made contact though and that's significant progress with the research. She's just brilliant. Actually they all are.**_

_**RIFT: Dead quiet, no spikes.**_

_**Ianto very upset, he found a dead mouse under the coffee machine. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Suzie Costello killed in the line of duty: Well not strictly true. I must be completely losing it. How the hell did I not see this coming? Aside from several major breeches of security, she goes and murders three people and nearly takes out an innocent if some what nosy police officer then blows her own brains out right after shooting me through the head (And that hurt!) in every way. Suzie has been around for a long time and I never had any reason to doubt her. The team have been completely stunned (Except Ianto) and I should be fired really.**_

_**Said police officer WPC Gwen Cooper. Yep she's pretty amazing and for once Ianto had an opinion about something and told me to bring her on board. He said I needed her human perspective on things, because it's the one thing I seem to miss. I wasn't sure whether or not he was insulting me to be honest. So I am listening to his advice. I don't know. Ianto never says much but when he does it usually makes sense.**_

_**Tosh was very upset about Suzie. Ianto actually gave her cuddle when she was crying. That's the first time he's touched any of us (Progress?). I shouldn't be sarcastic; he was being kind to her.**_

_**Glove and Dagger have been locked in the safe not to come out again.**_

_**RIFT: Dead Quiet**_

_**Sent Ianto out to bug Gwen Coopers place. I think Rhys her boyfriend could be a security risk, though I hope not. Maybe she'll ditch him when she realises just how gorgeous I really am.**_

_**Death Notification: Suzie Costello #C17854. Self inflicted gun shot wound to the head, single bullet.**__**ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness. Gwen Cooper settling in well despite a couple of initial hiccups with regards to manual handling. She's a good team player and I am thankful for Ianto's advice on the matter of her recruitment. Gwen brightens the place up no end and all the team seem to like her. Her 'human' perspective has proved valuable already. I think the whole boyfriend thing freaks Tosh and Owen a bit, the fact that Gwen has a life. Good Luck to her I hope it works.**_

_**Am very concerned about Ianto, whilst his efficiency and hard work are never in doubt he just seems to get more and more distant as time goes on. 2 am this morning I caught him in the act of wiping tears from his face. He quite clearly hasn't recovered from losing his girlfriend. He wouldn't talk and I had to fight a very strong urge to give him a comfort hug. He seems so alone. As it was I sat there and held his hand in the hopes he would talk and he just tried to ignore me. I thought about asking Owen to talk to him, but his bedside manner can be a little brusque. He's been working incredibly long hours and to be truthful it's had a massive impact on the running of this place, especially for me as it's enabled me to get back out in the field. I'm just concerned that Ianto holds on to some semblance of a life outside of this place. (I needn't talk!). He has taken on the RVH (Island hospital) administration recently. I took him out to the Island hospital to show him what it all entailed. It deeply upset him seeing the rift victims (For more than I expected), I didn't think anything could faze Ianto. I probably shouldn't have asked him, it is a lot to deal with physically and emotionally but I cannot manage everything alone and I trust him to do the work discreetly.**_

_**RIFT: Grumbling away. No major spikes.**_

_**MEDICAL: In view of Gwen's immunity to the effects of Retcon, will need to revise the formula and from now on Owen to maintain a database of all recipients of the drug. Some of the stocks went missing last year and I should be more careful about monitoring the supply.**_

_**Ianto bitten by Myfanwy, he obviously doesn't taste very nice because she didn't finish him CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Had to deal with the disposal of Cyber conversion unit and one partially converted human and 2 dead civilians. Ianto Jones had us all completely fooled. I've to hand it to him, how he managed to install his robot girlfriend in here right under our noses is beyond me. Once again I have completely misjudged/ misunderstood some one I trust and am undecided as to whether I want to kill or hug him. Not only has he lied, put all our lives at risk but also I think of how hard it must have been for him putting everything on the line for her. She must've been something pretty amazing. I don't know whether Ianto's position here will be viable after all this. The others will certainly find it hard to ever trust him again. Truth is his devotion and passion and dare I say it sheer bloody cheek of it, are valuable tools and I need someone with those kind of skills. I am furious with him because I trusted him but I am equally angry with myself. I knew something was wrong with him and I did nothing about it. I am sorry he couldn't find it with in him to trust me enough to help him. Once again I have failed on every level and that hurts.**_

_**I have seen many things in my life but the look on Ianto's face will haunt me for a long time. I've never seen raw grief like that, didn't really believe that anyone could feel that much love or pain for any one. But then Owen was the same when I brought him here to work for me. You'd think I would've figured it out by now.**_

_**As for Ianto, he's in terrible pain, right now he just needs our support, which will be hard to give. I drove him home and left him in the care of his mother (This may be a Retcon job a bit further down the track.). I shall give him a couple of days then go see him to sort things out.**_

_**TECHNICAL: All the Cyber technology (including Lisa) taken apart and destroyed. CCTV to be installed in EVERY section of T3 and a database log to be kept with in built search parameters for auto monitoring.**_

_**PERSONAL: When Lisa attacked Ianto, she killed him. Neither he or the others know. I've learnt over the years that I can transfer my own life's energy into some one else. It is not easy to do, doesn't always work and normally I've only been able to do it to some one I feel strongly about. I think Ianto thought I was trying to snog him, either way it freaked him out. It freaked me out. It always does because now I have this connection to him that will never break, like empathy. Some of the things Ianto said to me were right on the mark. I know I am a monster, have to do things quite frankly I'd rather not. I try to operate within some kind of moral boundary, but that is so hard sometimes. Ianto made me see something in myself that I am completely ashamed of, my own lack of compassion, the absence of the real understanding of what it is to love (because it's been so long since I felt that?). When I touched him to wake him, bring him back from the darkness. I can't explain what I felt, but it was over whelming.**_

_**I've spoken to the rest of the team, asked them to cut Ianto a bit of slack, assuming he comes back that is. Owen surprisingly was the most willing to make allowances, but then perhaps he understands what Ianto has gone through better than any of us. Mind you he was typically caustic about it so as not to appear too soft in front of Gwen and Tosh. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness.**_

_**The others seem to have settled back into their routines after our little encounter with Cyber girl from Hell. Three days of Ianto's absence they are already complaining about each other's coffee brewing skills.**_

_**I went to see Ianto at home this morning, not surprisingly he's in bad shape. What worried me was how much his mother knew. She seemed like an extremely compassionate woman, completely dedicated to her son. I can understand that, Ianto has certainly proved how powerful love can be. I don't know if he will come back to us. On a purely personal level, I would welcome him back. I miss his quiet undemanding nature and the fact that things get done when he is around. Ignoring the whole cuteness factor (Which I don't). It will take me a while to trust him with my own feelings on things, but I know I can trust his work completely. Either way it is out of my hands now. I can only hope he makes the right decision.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet (Which is a good job really.)**_

_**MEDICAL: If Ianto does come back to work, will have to discuss a counselling regime with Owen for him.**_

_**PERSONAL: Just feel really shit today. Ianto's got me figured out. Can't hide anything from him.**__**ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: It's getting harder, each time some one I love dies. You'd think one would get used to it. Not much else to report. The others aren't speaking to me because of the decision I made today. Fair enough. Ianto at least didn't scream at me. He just avoided me because I think he is still hurting so bad he just couldn't be dealing with my pain on top of it.**_

_**Ianto has taken Estelle's cat home with him so I know Ianto's Mother will take excellent care of him.**_

_**I'm sure our Faery friends will be back for more mischief. They always come back. I know they frighten the hell out of me and I think Gwen got a taste of the real threat involved in this job, the impact on our loved ones, family and friends. It scared her to think that Rhys could be in danger. It scared me. Sometimes I forget. Truth is the only death I don't fear is my own.**_

_**RIFT: Very quiet, the new buffers that I put in a couple of months back seem to be doing the trick.**_

_**MEDICAL: Ianto flatly refused to be counselled by any one. He barely speaks and twice I've had to haul him out of the bathroom because he's been crying. Though perhaps that's a good thing. He has to get through this in his own Iantonian way. He is still intensely private and I don't think the others have any real idea how much he is suffering because he never lets them see it.**_

_**PERSONAL: Had to remove all evidence of myself from Estelle's house. I hate clean up, but I wouldn't let the others do it, this one is way too personal to me even though Ianto came with me to find the cat. Went out late, drank too much and hooked up with some guy that I met in one of the bars in town. He was very cute and very willing, but to be honest fucking him wasn't that great and I probably shouldn't have bothered. Normally that's all I need, a bit of casual fun that I can de- stress over, then forget about. I don't know what the Hell's the matter with me. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Ianto and I spent half the night dealing with another patient for the RVH (Ianto's name for it). He was pretty upset by the time we'd done with that, but he just got on without comment or complaint. I'm bringing him out on a field op today. I think he needs more involvement with the rest of the team there's definitely a bit of a widening gap between him and them and that needs to be addressed. Ianto needs the chance to prove his own worth and he certainly needs to get away from the Hub. It shouldn't be too bad, a nice drive out into the Welsh countryside will do us all good. I haven't told Owen about the tents yet.**_

_**RIFT: stable but noisy, though nothing seems to be coming through.**_

_**Note to self: Get Ianto to fix the ladder going down into my bunk he's a better welder than I am. ENTRY CLOSES**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG; Capt. J. Harkness: Sometimes I wonder about human beings. I think it will be a long time before any of us can put the last couple of days behind us. So much for helping Ianto. Though in truth he did brilliantly out there against all that and he and Tosh seem to have found an understanding. Perhaps not a completely wasted journey. With the exception of Gwen's somewhat tactless teenage games the team held together really well, when it mattered. Tosh told me that Ianto tried to get them out, gave her a chance to make a break for freedom and Owen did his trauma surgeon routine a treat. They are a fantastic team of people. I stand in awe of them. Gwen was particularly upset, needed answers to explain what she had seen. Sometimes there aren't any. Think that was a hard lesson for her.**_

_**I did end up having to drive Ianto home. He was understandably upset at the prospect of being filleted and rather hung over (hope he doesn't make a habit of that.). I was dragged into the house by Ianto's mother and plied with tea and cookies. I think he was rather embarrassed by her fussing over me about her son. It was very sweet but thankfully Ianto rescued me from her and saw me out.**_

_**PERSONAL: I made a major pass at Ianto, which he didn't seem to object to. I think it caught both of us off guard because it was not my intention it just sort of happened. I suppose it was the right thing to do at the time. One hell of a kiss though, and hopefully not the last. I probably shouldn't go there really, he's had enough with out my sexually harassing him. I don't know what it is about him. I've been drawn to him since the day we first met. I seem to remember taking a long cold shower after that first encounter. I get just as confused some days about Gwen too, she's very hot, but some one else's. I may be Cardiff's biggest Tart but I don't pinch other people's partners. Of course Ianto's technically available now. I don't suppose for one moment he sees himself that way. He's so alone right now and all I want to do is hold him and make all the pain go away. I don't think he's ready to let go of it yet though.**_

_**Left the local police to clean up our mess and told everyone to take a day off, except Ianto, he gets two.**_

_**RIFT: One huge spike, again early hours. Drove out to investigate. I think some one was taken because nothing was left behind and the residual energy levels were quite high, took the readings and left. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Toshiko very upset with me for spacing 'Mary'. But she made the right choice in destroying the pendant. I think I am failing my team somehow. They all seem a bit lost and lonely and Tosh has had her heart broken again. One day that girl will meet some one nice. I can't protect them from themselves because I'd be locking them all up in the vaults if I did that. Owen and Gwen were particularly upset with Tosh over this mind reading thing. Ianto just didn't comment. He sat quietly writing up the report on the incident and told Tosh not to worry. I think he knows exactly where she's at but as ever he keeps everything to himself and carries on making the coffee. I am not overly happy about Owen and Gwen 'seeing each other'. None of my business of course, but Gwen has (Had?) a decent relationship with that Rhys guy and I'd hate to think she's going to blow that off to shag Owen. I know Torchwood is hard and unforgiving on all our lives but it would be nice if just one of us could hold on to a normal life. I am very fond of Gwen, even attracted to her and if she didn't have Rhys….. maybe? Probably not. Ianto's more my type. Speaking of which, I think he is avoiding me a bit since that kiss. Perhaps I over stepped the mark or just plain freaked him out.**_

_**SECURITY: Must remind all staff not to bring their alien friends into the Hub.**_

_**RIFT: Two huge spikes, again early hours. Ianto and I drove out to check things out, came back to the hub with various items in containment, will have to go through them over the next few days.**_

_**PERSONAL: I wish Tosh wasn't so lonely, she's had a tough life and deserves a break. I'm thinking I should talk to Ianto.**__**ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Suzie Costello: Genius really I have to admire her, reminds me of the kind of stunts I used to pull back in the old days. The whole thing has been a bit of a 'head fuck' as Owen describes things. Gwen naturally is badly shaken but she will recover. I didn't have the heart to reprimand her for her misconduct after what she went through. Truth is I thought we'd lost her and that upset me more than I expected it to.**_

_**As for Suzie: well as Ianto quite rightly stated, Death by Torchwood and hopefully this time she'll stay that way.**_

_**SECURITY: Well Gwen broke every rule in the book. She is forgiven, her human perspective got in the way that's all and Ianto asked me not to punish her for that. He was right. Thank god all of our cars have tracking devices attached.**_

_**CCTV is still going through its diagnostic cycle.**_

_**RIFT: Tosh and Owen currently checking out another spike.**_

_**PERSONAL: I must confess to a small degree of jealously over Owen and Gwen, what the fuck is that all about? Whether it is because I wouldn't mind her or the fact that she chose Owen over me? I mean please, strictly no contest! Did I just write that? Some shrink is going to have real fun with this log book one day. Why am I even thinking it when last night I go and shag Ianto?!!!! Should I even write this in here? Ianto. We just had the most incredible sex. I mean real hard core porn if one decided to watch the CCTV. All joking aside, I'm not actually sure whose idea that was, but he put absolute trust in me and regardless of how much I enjoyed that, I need to tread respectfully around him. I don't think he would take being messed with too lightly. I know we both needed each other and perhaps that has been there for a while. He's still healing from the whole Lisa thing. One thing having him whispering Welsh words in my ear when I'm about to orgasm….ok maybe I've just said too much. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: I thought Victorian plumbing was supposed to last forever. Ianto's on the case. Took the team out to lunch today. Time for much needed banter and Owen bashing. It was good to see the gang smiling and laughing.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet, some weird readings but Tosh says it's nothing to worry about.**_

_**SECURITY: Ianto insists we need a bone fide plumber so have authorised use of Retcon for the poor sucker who turns up. Ianto not happy about drugging contractors so he told me he'd make sure who ever it was got home ok. Bless him!**_

_**PERSONAL: Keep thinking about Ianto and what he did to me the other night. I really shouldn't. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Thank god Ianto sorted out the plumbing. Three days of having some poor random guy wondering around the place fixing everything. I guess he's currently in Retcon heaven right now.**_

_**RIFT: fabulous quiet.**_

_**PERSONAL: The team have finally had a chance to kick back a bit and just do easy stuff and go home at 5 pm and have lives outside of here. I've been trying to encourage them to work with Ianto and that seems to have paid off really well. Owen and Ianto did a serious amount of laughing and Gwen and Ianto could gossip for the whole of Wales. He is finally starting to relax a bit around the others and more importantly I think they are learning to forgive him over what happened earlier in the year. I am so proud of them all. They have to deal with some terrible shit some days.**_

_**Ianto and I sat up talking most of last night, lets be honest I did most of the talking he just listened, as always. We ended up in my bunk and once again, yeah, bit too personal to write in here. I'm the worst conquest bragger on the planet but I can't bring myself to talk about Ianto. Being with him. He was much more relaxed about it this time and he did indulge my playfulness somewhat. The whole Welsh thing in my ears again! Wow. Ok Harkness, enough said. I know this is going to be trouble; he's the most sensitive guy I have ever met let alone slept with. I probably should cool my heels a bit because I don't want to hurt his feelings. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: It has not been easy this last week or so. Three people arrived from 1953 after one of the largest Rift Spikes we've had for a while. Three people whose lives have been thrown in a bag, shaken and then dropped on the floor of existence like so much Junk. One of them, John Ellis failed to adjust. There's no way to get them home so he has lost his world, his identity, his family- everything really. I sat and died with him in Ianto's car. Carbon monoxide poisoning aint a bad way to go. He just….I suppose it enabled him to hold on to his dignity if nothing else. It's been a bit of a wake up call for me. I take so much for granted and then I really discover how ineffectual I can be. Some things, some people can't be healed and that really hurts about now.**_

_**Gwen and Owen have taken care of the other two 'rift victims'. I haven't had an update so I am assuming there have been no problems.**_

_**Ianto helped me deal with John. He has been completely undemanding and supportive through this. He knows what I am going through. He let me talk for hours and then he just held me because he knew that is what I needed from him. As ever he didn't say much, but everything he said was spot on. I don't know how he does that.**_

_**RIFT: Off the scale single spike 9 days ago, very localised and still niggling.**_

_**SECURITY: Ianto handled all the ID and back-stories for our guests, no problems there.**_

_**PERSONAL: Another Christmas on Earth. It is always a strange time of year. I don't seem to notice it really. Ianto invited me to visit his house. I think he is worried about me being alone here at a time when people are supposed to be nice to each other. Truth is I was grateful he asked. He has shown me enormous compassion with out expectation of anything in return. I think he and I have reached some kind of unspoken understanding.**_

_**I did over hear Owen teasing him last week about us. So I hauled Owen into my office and told him off. I'm concerned that Ianto's position here isn't compromised because of our unconfirmed relationship. Ianto is still dealing with the Lisa thing. This morning he sold his car and bought a new one, just like that because he couldn't stand the thought that John had died in it. Did I mention he was sensitive? ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Fed Myfanwy this morning. Ianto advised me to go with fish. He went and bought a fridge (When she first arrived) especially for her fish and when I open it it's full of fish. I was also told to sing to her while I fed her, as that seems to make her happy. How Ianto figured that one out?! It's my first time up in her lair so she was a bit weary of me until she got her salmon. Anyway after that little adventure and a long de fish smelling shower I locked up the Hub and walked to Ianto's place as I promised. His mother, the lovely Lylian spoilt us both rotten. Actually it was great, a piece of normality, fantastic home cooking and seeing Ianto being like any other son instead of my office boy. It was a welcome distraction from my own pre occupations. Ianto, bless him had bought me a replacement pair of spitfire cuff links (Lost one of my old ones). It reminded me of what having a family is like (Been way too long with out one of my own.). Anyway Ianto and I walked back to the Hub afterwards. In truth, best Christmas day I've had for years.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet again.**_

_**PERSONAL: I know I am getting too attached to Ianto. All the great sex aside, he's a decent man. I know I have his complete loyalty and he's been honest with me when it has mattered. I don't always like that bit, but I know he does it for the best reasons. He's still very quiet and remains very detached from the others some days. He quietly watches my back and I suppose I am only just starting to realise just how much he does that. I did wonder about whether or not to make our 'arrangement' a little less casual but he is in no way ready for that and neither am I. I promised myself years ago that I would not fall in love again and I am determined not to.**_

_**Something bad is coming. I have a gut feeling. I told Ianto some time ago about this, as ever he just accepted it as fact and told me we'd be ready for it when it came. I'm not so certain. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Owen has been devastated by the departure of Diane Holmes. Of course we've all been shut out because no one understands love the way Owen does. He went off and pulled a stupid stunt in a cage with a weevil and is currently in hospital recovering. This whole cage fighting saga has given us a massive clean up operation to deal with and most of those guys got Retconned back into puberty because they were shits and deserved bullets in their brains. Gwen Tosh and Ianto have all worked their arses off to sort out the mess.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet.**_

_**RVH: Two more patients admitted. Ianto sorted it.**_

_**PERSONAL: Have kept a bit of distance between Ianto and me over recent days. He hasn't commented or questioned it. I need to give myself a bit of space before I become too involved other wise he's going to get hurt. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Came face – face with my namesake and God I just wish I could've stayed with him back there in 1941, forget Torchwood, forget everything. He was so chaste, so beautiful. I only hope I can live up to his name.**_

_**I told Ianto, (Not my smartest move.). He said nothing but was clearly hurt and shit I really should've seen that coming!**_

_**RIFT: Going nuts having been opened by Owen in an attempt to bring Tosh and I back.**_

_**SECURITY: Priority has to be for us to track down Bilis Manger. Owen shot in Left shoulder by Ianto who was trying to prevent Owen from opening the Rift.**_

_**PERSONAL: Ianto, Ianto, Ianto. Ok I've really fucked up there. I need to apologise to him. I think everything is about to go to Hell. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: I thought, maybe this time I was gone for good. Dying like that? Not good must remind myself NEVER to try and take on something like that again. My team have been put through the wringer, we all have. Gwen suffered badly on this one. Actually we all did for different reasons and at the end of it somehow we are closer than we have ever been before. I really think they are the best. I couldn't hope for more.**_

_**RIFT: Twitching seriously.**_

_**PERSONAL: I have a lot of making up to do with regard to Ianto. I don't how to approach that. Gwen and Tosh were a bit shocked when I kissed him and I'm surprised Ianto didn't deck me. I don't think he's got that in him, he's too gentle thankfully. I'd hate to think that anything I did would change that about him. I'm glad Owen and I are ok now. I love those guys.**__**ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Ok, so Gwen doesn't bother up dating the log whilst I'm away. Love the new look Hub (Ianto's magic touch I guess.). I'm home. Finally I have figured out where that actually is. Of course no sooner am I in the Door than John shows up. Fucking inconsiderate timing on his part. I just wanted to come back have a big party and jump in the sack with Ianto….. But no. **_

_**The gang are very pissed at me for running away. I am sorry I hurt them, especially sorry I hurt Ianto. But I had to go and even though the Doctor hasn't fixed my problem, he's fixed me. All that time away and all I could think of was getting back, being with these incredible people, being part of something important and making things up with Ianto. I owe them all so much.**_

_**Gwen has led them well in my absence. Ianto, has truly found his place and his confidence. Owen is as sarcastic as ever and dear Tosh still genius…. I have missed them so much and here they are still fighting the cause as if I was never there. Good for them.**_

_**RIFT: I am told it's been a bit crazy, loads of junk coming through.**_

_**SECURITY: Everything under control. John had access to the Hub (Never good!), he also very easily disabled our coms, will need to address this problem. Tosh working on a new system.**_

_**MEDICAL: Owen shot in the hip with Tosh's weapon, single shot not too serious. Reckons he will be back on his feet in a couple of days.**_

_**PERSONAL: Gwen's getting married. I was stunned when she told me. I know we have our own feelings about each other, but I am really pleased for her. Rhys is good for her and I hope they are very happy together.**_

_**Ianto: I asked him on a date. Boy was that hard work. He is very hurt by what I did yet all this time I've been away; he's done everything for me. Hasn't faltered in his feelings. I am lucky to know him, being away made me realise that. Perhaps it's not so bad to allow myself to love some one again. He's here and he loves me I am sure of that. I just hope he can forgive me as well. He is a good man and I wonder now why I didn't ask him sooner. **_

_**I wonder if John was telling me the truth about Grey. I searched for him for years and never tracked him down.**__**ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness;**_

_**It is nice to be back. I'm still pinching myself a bit. Had an email (as promised) from Martha Jones just to let me know she was staying planet side to finish her medical studies and catch up with the cute Paediatrics guy she met. Her family are still pretty traumatised. I think she is where she needs to be, with them. I suppose it's the same for me.**_

_**RIFT: Behaving at the moment.**_

_**PERSONAL: I was actually nervous about my date with Ianto, but it went well. We talked, properly talked about everything. Holding his hand and telling him about the end of the universe seemed like the most natural thing in the world. I thought he may be upset about my heights fetish, but he was completely unfazed about climbing about on the roof of the Millennium Centre at 2am this morning. What was best? Hearing him laugh, I mean really laugh because he was happy to be there with me. What was better? Quite possibly the best orgasm ever (and believe me I've had some good ones.), his hands on me, his beautiful voice in my ear and being fucked by some one who really does love me. It doesn't get any better than that. Actually not quite true second and third times OK, stop there Jack. Of course one day some one will actually read this. While we were talking he told me about the dreams he'd had while I was away. I was a bit surprised it's like he saw what happened. It's that connection we've had since the day I revived him when Lisa did her thing. He said he couldn't understand why I found it so hard to get my head round, with all the things we see in our work. Nothing surprises Ianto, nothing fazes him. I've seen him down right scared but never amazed. I asked him about that and he told me that he stopped wondering at the world when his father had died. I asked him to try and find it again. Then he just looked straight at me and told me he had. Can't get a better compliment than that really. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: **_

_**Ianto raised the problem of body storage space. I had no idea that we had so many stiffs. I've rather naughtily delegated that one over to him. Primarily because I know deep down he doesn't want anyone else to do it. Ianto gets a bit sensitive about how we treat our deceased, but I had to make it sound like a begrudging order. I know he will sort it.**_

_**Clean up post Beth almost complete. Tosh and I dealt with the explosion sites and Gwen and Owen handled everything else.**_

_**Tosh to install new software patches over the next week so most of our systems will be off line for a couple of days. Someone tried to hack in to our mainframe; hence the new increased security of our system. They didn't get past our firewalls, but it was too close for comfort.**_

_**Owen currently studying a device found whilst I was away. He believes it is a surgical tool. Typical medic. Ianto thinks it's a sex toy. Maybe we should try it out.**_

_**Tommy Brockless due to be de frosted.**_

_**MEDICAL: Ianto and I both had food poisoning. Last time we eat at that place. He was really not well; the romance of last night was quickly ruined by Ianto having to stick his head in the sink for most of the night. Owen gave him an anti emetic this morning. Poor thing.**_

_**SECURITY: Computer system upgrades underway.**_

_**Gwen, Ianto and I to take apart and clean all the handguns this week.**_

_**RIFT: A bit twitchy.**_

_**PERSONAL: Ianto and I seem to be going ok. We need more personal time though. He's taken on an enormous amount of work lately. One thing I have noticed recently. His humour has started to shine through a bit. It's something only I normally get to see. It takes a bit of getting used to because he is really quite warped. I love it. He had Owen in hysterics yesterday. It's obvious that he's found himself at last become Ianto Jones again. I suppose that is the person I love. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Toshiko has been very upset by Tommy being sent home to face execution basically. Trying to make her see that she had to make him go was pretty unpleasant. Once again Tosh is left alone and broken hearted. Gwen gave her lots of cuddles and Owen reminded her that Tommy would not be forgotten by us for what he did. She'll need a bit of time.**_

_**RIFT: Everything has gone back to normal now Tommy is when and where he should be.**_

_**SECURITY: Some one broke into the tourist office. Ianto was most annoyed about the mess. We checked the CCTV didn't look like they were actually searching for anything sensitive. Said burglars have been identified (Thanks to Gwen's friend PC Andy) and Retconned, just in case. Ianto enjoyed doing that. The internal alarm didn't go off in the Hub either so Tosh is fixing that as I write this.**_

_**PERSONAL: The whole Tommy saga dragged up some memories I really wouldn't have minded burying forever. I've been edgy since the start of this and Ianto, bless his heart put up with being walked all over Cardiff through last night in the freezing rain while I talked it all out of my system. He has the patience of a saint. I finally found the courage to tell him that I loved him, well worth it too. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Sometimes I really hate humans.**_

_**Owen was forced to euthanase a Whale from out there, somewhere. We don't even know it's species, but it was a sentient feeling creature and we could not save it. All of us were upset by the barbarity of its captors. This affected Owen and I most deeply. I took no pleasure in Retconning the men that had tortured it because it took Ianto practically screaming at me not to just shoot them. I haven't felt this angry in a long time and thankfully Ianto got through to me before I did something stupid. Gwen's boyfriend Rhys finally knows about Torchwood and to add to my emotional state she and I had a row in front of the others about her refusal to Retcon him. She won the argument hands down, which really pissed me off. I know she's right, I suppose that is why I got so cross about it.**_

_**RIFT: quiet.**_

_**SECURITY: Rhys Williams a potential issue. Will keep a discreet eye but I think Gwen has him under control.**_

_**PERSONAL: I really upset Gwen and Ianto today and Ianto made it quite clear that the things that I said to him hurt him. I don't even know why I said them. Owen just said ' you can be such a twat Harkness'. Ianto and I talked, we made up eventually though I think it will be a while before he trusts me again. And then he told me off for sulking too. I never sulk! I think was a bash Jack day today. ENTRY CLOSES**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness. This whole missing time thing has had us all spooked. There is no way for us to trace what happened.**_

_**MEDICAL: Ianto appears to have suffered some as of yet unidentified trauma. Owen describes it as concussion of sorts. Ianto's injuries are mental/ emotional. He certainly hasn't been physically injured. He is not good. Owen thinks he will be a long time recovering. So Ianto's on restricted duties for an indefinite period.**_

_**No one else suffering from any side effects other than obvious stress and concern.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet.**_

_**SECURITY: Must have been breeched at some point during our missing period, but how is not known.**_

_**PERSONAL: I suppose I am just starting to realise how much Ianto really means to me. He has convinced himself that he committed 3 murders during our missing time and is very distressed about it. I can't convince him otherwise and we know we can't give further Retcon doses to erase that belief. Gwen has gone to great lengths to investigate Ianto's claims and there is no evidence what so ever to support them. He has not been reassured by this. In the end all I can do is give him comfort and hope that he heals and those beliefs fade with time. It's breaking my heart seeing him like this. He has had periods bordering on dementia where he has no idea of his environment and when he's lucid, he's just frightened. Owen says we have to wait. I suppose that is the worst part. It makes me realise too that we are in no way properly set up to deal with caring for anyone of us who gets seriously injured or ill. T1 had a staff hospital with state of the art facilities. We have a Victorian autopsy room with a metal PM table. Owen did get a cot from an NHS supplier for Ianto so at least he can rest on something comfortable, but the autopsy room is no place for any one to mend in. This will have to be addressed. Big cost involved but we will convert one of the vault chambers into a medical bay of some kind. I'll get Owen to organise it. As for Ianto, as soon as Owen starts talking brain damage…..How do we handle this? What happens if his mind stays scrambled? I don't know what that means for us let alone Ianto's position with in Torchwood.**_

_**Note to self: Next time you wipe the main frame Jack do a back up copy and stuff it down the back of the couch where Ianto will find it. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness.**_

_**A month on from our 'missing time' and everyone except Ianto seems to have moved on and forgotten about it. We've started an investigation into some local deaths and have been contacted by UNIT who want to work with us on this one. Expecting Martha Jones to join us tomorrow.**_

_**MEDICAL: Ianto is recovering. The first couple of weeks were pretty bad because he just kept losing the plot, didn't know where he was or who people were. That has stopped completely now but Owen is insistent he's not to be left alone even though Ianto is back at work. Most worrying is the fact that he has stopped talking about what he thinks may have happened. Owen just gave me a lecture on being patient with him. The gang have been very supportive but were pretty wierded out by the whole thing. Everyone else is ok, thankfully. I just think it could have been all of us and we'd never have known, that's frightening.**_

_**Owen is looking further into researching the Retcon drug.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet.**_

_**PERSONAL: Just when things were going so well for Ianto and I. This is completely selfish of me. It was frightening watching him talking to people who weren't there, and behaving like he was three years old. Ianto doesn't remember those times thank god he would never live it down if he did. Losing him is one thing, but losing him like this? Owen and I had that conversation, what do we do if Ianto doesn't recover? Right now I am counting every blessing there is.**_

_**Ianto is just very with drawn, but he is improving and his humour is edging back in there. I've just had to be there over the last four weeks, all the time, which has been fine really. He's always been there for me. He gave me keys to his new flat the other day, told me treat it as my home. That gesture touched me profoundly, probably because I have been so worried about him lately. I haven't had a place to call mine since joining Torchwood having favoured hotels and random strangers beds when I've felt the need. I know that Ianto is trying to help me by giving me some kind of normality in my life. I think it's his way of telling me just how committed to us he really is, with out the words. Either way I can't explain how much that means to me. I think he knows. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt: J. Harkness: We live in strange times; I've seen things that even I just haven't been able to believe.**_

_**Dr Owen Harper: killed in the line of duty, single gun shot to the chest and I just couldn't let him go. Not another one.**_

_**The Reset project has been shut down as has the PHARM. Gwen, Ianto and Tosh took care of everything.**_

_**Owen and I often had our moments, but he was/is an extraordinary man.**_

_**Against my better judgement I tracked down the second 'RESSURECTION GAUNTLET' and used it to revive Owen. With just the intention of saying good bye and I am sorry to say retrieve a set of alarm codes that I didn't have. It's probably the stupidest thing I have ever done. There are now 12 fatalities as a result of what I did. I don't know what that thing was that came from the other side ….. Owen is still with us in some strange way. He is changed and Martha is studying him. He is also suspended from duty until we can figure out just exactly what he is.**_

_**Toshiko has taken all this very badly. Gwen and Ianto just don't seem to know what to do; they are trying to behave like nothing has happened.**_

_**MEDICAL: Dr Owen Harper, being observed by Dr Martha Jones. No idea yet what his long-term prognosis is, even though technically he is dead. Martha is also continuing to run follow up tests on Ianto. He's doing ok now.**_

_**Martha Jones though exposed to the Reset drug appears to have suffered no long-term damage.**_

_**RIFT: Massive spike 5am Ianto checked it out with Tosh, came back with some bits and pieces. Said pieces now in containment for later examination.**_

_**PERSONAL: Owen has a lot to come to terms with. I will do what I can to help him, but he is so stubborn and absolutely determined to get through this alone. He is talking to Tosh, so it's a start. My only worry now is that his body no longer has the ability to heal itself; any injury is potentially dangerous no matter how small.**_

_**Ianto gave me a major telling off. He was right to and I am hoping next time he can stand up to me enough to stop me doing something so selfishly stupid again. He and I? Our relationship becomes more intense as time goes on. I have lived a long time and I don't think I have ever felt this way about anyone before. It's like he's a part of my conscience, my moral compass. It's quite weird because the others have no real idea just how deeply he feels things, he has this 'other Ianto' that they see all quiet and efficient. I get all the rest. Things have been way too serious lately. It's been fantastic to be able to 'live' outside of the Hub and sleep in a proper big bed with my beautiful Ianto holding me. I think we could all do with a break; some happiness and some decent weather would be nice too. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness: Owen appears to be adjusting to his condition very well. His sarcasm is back in place that's for sure. He's being going through bits and pieces that Tosh and Ianto recovered a couple of weeks back. We're all missing Martha. I'm holding a place open for her here if she changes her mind, but I suspect she will stay in London. Ianto and Owen both tried to wriggle out of going to Gwen's wedding so I've suggested rather firmly that we all try and make it if we can. I know Gwen would appreciate that (not so sure about Rhys).**_

_**Ianto has asked for a pay rise, cheeky one that. Of course if I give him one that will look like favouritism so I respectfully declined and finally figured out he was winding me up, (must be slow today!). Ianto took great pleasure in that little gag. He'll pay for that.**_

_**Hopefully the few days of peace will continue on, everyone has been able to take some time off at long last. Ianto was the only one who wouldn't just go away for a couple of weeks, so he's been doing half days, catching up with his mother and looking after me.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet.**_

_**PERSONAL: With Gwen's wedding approaching I am finding it difficult not to get a bit anxious about her and Rhys. It is so none of my business. I just want her to be happy and I do feel things for her that I shouldn't. I have Ianto. I love Ianto. I know that Gwen loves me, but has chosen to be with Rhys (sensible move) because she loves him a hell of a lot more. Emotions can be so confusing. I never have this grief with Ianto. He just is. He loves me, that's it, he never questions it, even when I have hurt his feelings. I couldn't ask for more, shouldn't ask. He is back to his old self at long last. It has taken him some time. He hasn't talked about 'the murders' for weeks now. I am hoping that is the end of the matter. We've had a couple of fantastic dates recently, finally some time to ourselves and I am actually glad that we can be together away from the Hub. Had loads of fun lately and I had no idea he could speak Latin and Japanese as well as Welsh. I think the Welsh is my favourite though, does it for me every time. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**PERSONAL: Thanks Martha!!!!!!**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Ianto got a major ear bashing about Rodents. Ok so it's not his fault, but I yelled at him anyway and what does he do? He laughs at me and takes a picture with his mobile of me standing on my desk with a hockey stick and sends said picture with a text to Martha J and his mother. Welsh Bastard! Anyway I sent him out to get lots of traps, big fucking ones that chop their heads off. You may have gathered (Who ever you are that eventually reads this) I hate rats, all rats no matter what their persuasion! **_

_**Gwen getting serious pre wedding jitters, which is actually very funny.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet, but the manipulator needs repairing due to rodent damage.**_

_**MEDICAL: Owen seems to be doing all right. He is being very careful not to injure himself. He did forget about the whole not drinking thing and upset Ianto by demonstrating his new method of emptying his stomach. Ianto really not amused. I've never seen him move so fast.**_

_**PERSONAL: For once everything is fine. My amazing team are just getting on with their everyday things. They are all brilliant, I love them. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Ok, so I really managed to screw up Gwen's wedding big time. If she and Rhys ever speak to me again it will be a miracle of biblical proportions. Ianto did assure me that some miracles do happen. I must confess running up the aisle and telling them to stop the wedding was rather fun, Ianto told me off for rather enjoying that moment too much, bless him! I am very happy for her; she has definitely gone for the right guy. Rhys really did turn out to be the hero of the hour, quite a turn on actually. Owen and Tosh finally got their dance together and it was good to see Owen smiling again. Tosh looked gorgeous, so did Gwen for that matter. That's my Ianto choosing the right dress for her. He had quite a bit of fun with that, though I don't think he'd stretch to a bit of cross dressing. I should ask him?!!!! And I can't believe he asked me to dance with him in public! Gwen was a bit gobsmacked as well. But Ianto actually coming out???!!! Humans are so quaint. But I know how hard that would have been for him to do. I think he felt a bit awkward asking me instead of Gwen actually. My magical 'wedding fairies' did a fantastic clean up job so I treated us all to a couple of nights in a posh hotel as a reward.**_

_**PERSONAL: This whole wedding thing has made me pause to think on any kind of a future that Ianto and I could have together. He is so devoted to me. Truth is I am wholly conscious of the fact that sooner or later the dynamics of our relationship are going to change. Assuming we last that long, he is going to get old and I am not and at some point he will die. I live in dread of these things, basically because we love each other. I have a habit of running away from dealing with all that. Estelle was the last time, everyone else since then (Before Ianto) has been casual and mostly with out the exchange of names and phone numbers. I can't do that to him though, no matter what pain I have to go through and I have to not be the coward I have so often been in the past. If I am still around in a thousand years time I want to remember him as someone I didn't run out on because he deserves better. I am sure Ianto worries about the same thing. We probably need to talk about it at some point. He is finally being less cagey about us, in front of the others that is. I know he keeps things to himself mostly to protect me, but I am hoping that he has reached that point of understanding that it is not an issue. The others are well aware of our involvement, Owen takes the piss occasionally, but that is the worst of it. Ianto is just so sensitive. I suppose that is one of his qualities I am most drawn to, probably because I am the complete opposite. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**I never had much belief in the supernatural until now. I mean ghosts and stuff, totally unexplainable things. Everything has an explanation. However what I have seen over the last few days defies all my attempts to find one. Ianto was drawn into these events like, I don't know. He was fascinated and frightened by the whole thing and at the end really rather upset. For once he took a lead on things but got out of his depth and kinda let me take over. The others got to see that side of him he rarely reveals. Owen was rather fascinated by the victims. He told me he was trying to understand his own condition a little better. He summed it up quite well, the lights being on but no body at home.**_

_**RIFT: Playing up something rotten. Tosh monitoring.**_

_**MEDICAL: Owen still keeping a very detailed database on his own condition. He assures me he is doing ok though.**_

_**PERSONAL: Gwen has been very cheery since her honeymoon. What ever was there between us has definitely gone, well not gone just changed (for the better I might add). The sexual tension has disappeared. I think both of us finally figured out where we need to be. Rhys has taken on a lot and accepted it all and essentially vowed to support her and Ianto has done the same for me. Gwen is going to take over here for a few days. I promised Ianto we'd go away together somewhere away from everything. Both of us need that kind of time to be just us, with out anything to do with work hanging over us. It was Gwen's idea actually. Ianto's had a bad run of things this year and he deserves some TLC. As for me, I'm glad to delegate the leadership thing for a bit and just be Jack, Ianto's boyfriend on a nice quiet holiday. Gwen I know is more than capable of running things, she's already proved that. ENTRY CLOSES**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Ok, so everyone knows about the RVH now. Gwen had to open that door didn't she? Just couldn't leave things alone. The worse thing about it all is that both she and Ianto were right. Gwen has suffered hugely with the consequences of her actions and I have had my eyes opened by Ianto to his cost.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet.**_

_**PERSONAL: Ianto and I had a bad argument. This is entirely my fault. He did the things he did in good faith, to protect me and to help Gwen understand things. How can some one as young as he be so wise? And what do I do? I yell at him and say a few things I really should not have said. I broke his heart and I do not know how to make up for that. When he was at work today we just ignored each other and the others were wondering what the hell's been going on with us. Gwen came into my office and asked me what had happened so I told her and she gave me a bollocking. Ianto just looked shattered all day and he wouldn't even look at me. I have to fix this because I really don't want to lose him, but knowing me I shall probably just run away again. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Things have been relatively quiet. Ianto's mother died last week. He was devastated, after everything that he has had to put up with, especially with me behaving like a prize twat. Gwen insisted we all go to her funeral (For Ianto's sake). I think it helped him, but he's refused time off work. I don't think he really knows what to do with himself out side of this place. The gang as ever have been very supportive and sympathetic.**_

_**RIFT: has been quiet.**_

_**MEDICAL: Owen told me that Ianto asked for a prescription of anti depressants. Owen wouldn't give him said drugs but has given him a week's course of sedatives. I officially I know nothing because technically Owen shouldn't tell me, but he knows how worried about Ianto I get.**_

_**PERSONAL: Ianto and I talked about things last night (Made up really). He's been through enough and I know I have to show him my trust in him. I think we'll be ok now. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Sometimes stories do have a happy ending. Ianto has been deeply affected by his encounter up in Scotland. He's been walking around with a smile on his face ever since that night at the dig site. I have no idea what passed between him and that Alien, but if she can hear me. Thank you! We brought back the bones with us and Ianto has put them with all the others we have in the vaults that came from the site. He plans on reburying them at some point, which I have reluctantly Ok'd. Bless him he has tried to explain to me what he saw, but all I get is him smiling at me and shaking his head because he can't find the words.**_

_**RIFT: Misbehaving : Tosh is doing her level best to improve our ability to track the spikes a bit better.**_

_**MEDICAL: Ianto Ok'd by Owen to go back on to full duties. Had to Retcon Professor Prudence.**_

_**PERSONAL: Ianto has been brilliant of late. I wish I could explain the change in him. He told me it was like suddenly everything in the universe finally made sense, that he knows who he is for the first time in his life. Of course I am getting all the benefits of this. Just seeing him happy and untroubled is wonderful in itself. Things between us just get better on every level. Pinch me! I discovered to day that Ianto has a teddy bear called chubby. He's had it since he was three. That is so cute! ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD III LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**_

_**Dr Owen Harper and Toshiko Sato both killed in the line of duty. I don't even know where to begin. I was so quick to blame John Hart for all this that has been brought down upon us only to find out that my brother Grey is responsible. I have no idea what he has endured, but all he knows is hate and he has visited that on us with such wrath. I feel bereft. My little brother. I haven't slept for a long time, never felt exhaustion and pain like it aside from 2000 years of repeatedly 'dying' I would never have believed that anyone could be capable of such cruelty least of all my own family.**_

_**Cardiff will recover. Already Ianto has dealt with the cover stories and Gwen has been liasing with the emergency services and the press. Those two have been brilliant just getting everything done. Ianto and I visited Owen's and Toshiko's families. I am glad he was there with me for that.**_

_**UNIT are taking care of things at the power station.**_

_**RIFT: Settling back down. Ianto keeping an eye on things.**_

_**MEDICAL: We are all shell shocked and suffering from exhaustion. Will need to employ a new medical officer.**_

_**PERSONAL: I have put Grey into cryo storage. I will have to wake him one day and face both his and my demons. John Hart actually helped us, helped me, it's the first compassionate act I have ever seen him commit. Gwen's doing ok, she has Rhys taking good care of her and once again he has more than proved his worth. I am so glad that she has him to support her. Ianto has been quiet, efficient and just getting on. Two nights running he has sat with me on the couch in the Hub just holding me, letting me cry and talk and shout and do everything else I have needed to do. He has just been there and he and Gwen together have handled everything including clean up on Tosh and Owen's apartments. I think I need to give him some time to do what he has enabled me to do. He is angry with John for burying me, but he also knows that John had no choice. I wouldn't like to guess how he feels toward Grey. Ianto isn't talking too much and I need him to because it is the only way that he will move on from this. ENTRY CLOSES.**_

_**TORCHWOOD THREE LOG: Capt. J. Harkness:**__** It was great to see the Doctor again. Of course a social visit would have been much nicer and far more fun…..We seem to keep doing the whole 'end of the world thing'. Even better to see Rose and Mickey too. Those two are brilliant and Martha too, though I hope I can convince her to leave UNIT. Though perhaps she can do some good there. They need some one like her in the same way that I need Gwen and Ianto.**_

_**Gwen and Ianto really held their own against all the crap as always, they have me in awe, ordinary people doing extraordinary deeds, never backing down from the front line. This planet is in good hands. I think Ianto got very freaked when I left the Hub. I know he would be devastated if I did leave. Not gonna happen of course. I have to stay here, this is the one place where I can do some good. I love those guys so much.**_

_**As Ianto quite rightly pointed out in his diary (yep I've been reading!), what the powers that be intend on doing over this whole Dalek thing is beyond me. You can't hide the truth forever. We've been fielding hundreds of calls over the last few days from the MOD, UNIT the PM even. Ianto has lost patience with them all, I think. He said to me that he was angry that people like Owen and Tosh have to die with no recognition for their bravery and no one knowing just why that ultimate sacrifice has been made. Bless him, still as sensitive as ever. Ianto feels things so deeply and takes it all personally. He knows he shouldn't and I think slowly he is learning some dispassion (hopefully not too much.). He tries not to talk to me (Basically because he sees me as the one needing the support.) but he's getting better at opening up and still keeps his humour, warped as it is. Gwen thank God has the most amazing husband, my own feelings for her aside. Rhys is brilliant and I am very glad that she has him. As for the team, we are adjusting to our loss hard as that is. These things take time and in one sense I am glad that I have not gotten used to losing people. I have moved on, it's a case of having to and I know eventually Gwen and Ianto will do the same.**_

_**PERSONAL: As for Ianto? He and I fluctuate between the intensely passionate (though never in public!), and the publicly distant. He still hasn't over come his shyness thing even though Gwen is well aware of things between us. I am glad actually because Ianto makes no demands on me. When I need him he is there to be what ever it is I need from him. I still don't know how he does that and I know I take that for granted. I probably shouldn't. I love him hugely and I would be lost with out him some days. However I think he knows I just have to get on with things in my own way and sometimes that means shutting him out. I know that upsets him, but he accepts that is the way things have to be on occasion and he supports that. I couldn't ask for more loyalty from him. He was upset with me for not bringing Martha back to the Hub, he's definitely a bit sweet on her, and disappointed that he didn't get to meet the Doctor in person. Ianto is so fascinated by the whole time travel thing and keeps asking me about it. I suspect I may have to ask the Doc to take him away on some random trip to satisfy his curiosity.**_

_**RIFT: Quiet. Which is amazing all things considered.**_

_**RIFT MANIPULATOR: Currently being repaired by myself and Ianto.**_

_**MEDICAL: No one hurt miraculously. Gwen has been sent on an advanced trauma training course, just in CLOSES.**_

**AN:I wrote this in response to the Captain's Blogs in the Torchwood archive book. Just a bit of fun really not sure if it's quite Jack...There are some vague references to some of my own stories as well as the episodes...and Ianto is living with his Mam when he first arrives in Cardiff. I'd be interested to know what you think....Deeta**

**TO BE CONTINUED.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Torchwood 3 Log: Captain Jack Harkness.**_

_**Switzerland was great, aliens aside of course. CERN is just amazing, I can see why the Doc gets so excited about these humans doing their thing. Anyway it was a good break for us all after recent losses and it was wonderful to see Martha, I know Ianto was delighted. I flew Rhys out to join us once the mysteries had been solved and we had a nice chilled long weekend, Gwen and Rhys needed the quality time together and Ianto and I needed to simply remind one another of who we are outside of work. We're still missing Owen and Tosh and thank God we got to have a funeral for Tosh, we had a wake at Ianto's flat and he and Gwen got incredibly drunk, never seen Ianto drunk before it was rather a cute thing to behold. They needed it and I think Tosh and Owen would have appreciated it.**_

_**Rift: Has been co-operative and quiet.**_

_**I am still wondering what I should do with Grey. Leaving him in cryo is nagging my conscience. Ianto advised me to leave him there at least until I'd had time to process everything. I know he is right, he usually is but that doesn't make it any easier. I suppose his actions are what really hurt..... more than anything else that happened. I am not certain that I wouldn't have killed him if he had killed Ianto though. I never thought I would ever feel that strongly about anyone ever again. I guess I will bide the time, give myself time to heal first. I told the Doctor about him and he said that he would take him away and try to help him if I asked him. I may do that yet, but only if I was along for the ride and right now the last thing I'd do is leave Ianto so he'd have to come too.**_

_**I know we need to start looking at new personell. Ianto has been researching to this end and given me a list of potentials. He and Gwen spent some time on this before we went to CERN, I guess I just have to bite the bullet and start looking through them.**_

_**Gwen and Rhys seem to have strengthened as a couple, she seems much more confident and I think he has gotten over his trust issues with me.... not that I don't love Gwen, because I do and maybe if Ianto weren't around.... No probably not. I wonder if Ianto died or left whether or not I would stay. He worries about me too much. I think the whole immortality thing is finally beginning to sink in with him. I know he's struggling with the concept of it and what it means for us and for him. He's scared that I will hurt when he dies, he's also scared that I will forget him one day..... Maybe I will, I wish I could promise that I won't, but 2000 years underground made me realise just how fragile memory really is. There were things I had forgotten about us and I know that hurt him, though he never said, probably because he understood. He is incredible. I mean I am just amazed by him on every level but he keeps putting himself down by saying that he isn't anything special, I wish he would realise just how incredible he is. He and Gwen, the real guardians of this planet, I'm just along for the ride.**_

_**I took a photo of Ianto yesterday (He doesn't know), but I saw him feeding Myfanwy and she was perched on the railing beside him having her neck and beak rubbed and I swear to God she was purring whilst he was cooing to her. I made a decent print to put in my box, that is a moment I will treasure for a long time, just blissful, ignorant contentment on his part. It was wonderful to see his face relaxed and unguarded. I only see that when he's asleep and even then not often enough. It's good sign for all of us.**_

_**And now I have a conference call with the PM.... Joy! Entry closes.**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Log book: Torchwood 3: Captain Jack Harkness.**

I never, ever thought I'd be saying this. Ianto is the hottest woman on the planet! That was just the damndest thing, I am gonna be dreaming about that for weeks.

Ok, clean up from the whole Ferry thing is now complete and Ianto has been fully restored to his previous self.... shame it didn't last a bit longer really, he's so different in bed as a she and amazingly his kisses are exactly the same how does that happen? Ok, Jack maybe I need a bucket of cold water right about now.... my pants are getting tight just thinking about it. Hey so what? I'm just a hot blooded guy and I've just lived through one of my absolute favourite fantasies. I don't think Ianto quite knows what to make of it. It was rather amusing actually because Gwen got very territorial until she figured out it was Ianto under those perfect breasts. Uhmmmm.

I read Yan's diary entry, bless him, he's right Owen would've traumatised him for months over that!

We had a visit from Sarah-Jane Smith this week. I think she was rather curious to meet us all. I've kept an eye on her activities for years, but left her alone because I didn't want her to feel hasseled. She hated Torchwood London and like the Doctor she always felt that we were not to be trusted, I am glad we have been able to convince her otherwise, she got on especially well with Ianto because she had lots of stories to tell about her adventures with the Doctor and Ianto just laps up all that stuff. He would make an ideal companion for the Doc. Not that I want him to go, but I think he would love to see the stuff that's out there. The good stuff that is.... none of that ever seems visit itself on us. Gwen and Ianto often ask me why we get all the shit stuff, truth is, there is no answer to that. Then I look around this planet and see lots of good stuff going on, even the basics most of the time people are nice to each other and human's have always had a way of building communities all over the galaxy, no alien species ever does that, they never mix with other species or races where as humans make do where ever they are. I understand why the Doc loves them so much. It's funny how I read this and I see that I refer to my own species as them. I am human essentially and yet I am missing the one thing and that makes me fundamentally unhuman. I tried explaining this to Ianto and he said that it didn't matter who or what I was, it's what I do that counts. That boy is so far out of his time, sometimes I think he would do well with the ancient philosophers and other days I wonder if he himself hasn't dropped in from some greater age in the future. He never ceases to amaze me with his insight and instinctive ability to comprehend and accept. The thing that puzzles me is that he never displays these gifts in front of others, I wonder if even his parents have been witness to it. I'm like almost 1200 years older than him and he is the person I learn from everyday. Sometimes it's things about myself that I'd rather not know, but he has this way of making me see good in even the really bad things.

So I am going all personal in the official log.... I want it on record. Ianto Jones and Gwen Williams, commendations for bravery. Dr Owen Harper and Toshiko Sato, posthumous commendations for bravery and sacrificing of their lives to protect this planet, a planet that quite frankly didn't give a stuff about them.

I hope Gwen survives all this long enough to have a family and plenty of years being the good mother I know she will be. I hope I can keep Ianto happy enough to hang on to his life for as long as possible. This job of course.... It scares me every time they go out the door, I know full well they may not come back. However, as Ianto quite rightly pointed out I cannot allow that fear to paralyze me, otherwise nothing would be done and they would lose their faith in me. Ianto told me he'd rather die sooner than later, if later means retiring from this job. How did I get so lucky?

Right before I go all maudlin....

**RIFT:** Behaving all readings have been within normal limits for the last 48hrs.

**STAFFING:** Am still going through a list of potentials.... this is a lot harder than I thought it would be.... I wish I could convince Martha to join us.

Ianto worried about Myfanwy, asked permission to discuss her well being with some dinosaur professor from Edinburgh University.... so he's done a whole background thing and given himself a new ID as a student of paleowhatsits, God knows.... Anyway... I think Myffy may be just getting a bit old.

Gwen to take 7 days annual leave from next Monday. UNIT are still acting as emergency back up for us until we are back up to a full compliment, we seem to be managing better now. Ianto refused to take time off without me. He's been spending time updating Owen's Weevil log and seems determined to continue the good doctor's work. I think it's helping him deal with Owen's absence. Ianto has taken over Tosh's desk and is continuing to learn her systems with my help, whilst Gwen has been doing medical training. Ianto didn't want any one new using Tosh's desk, is the real reason though I am not supposed to tell.

OK this was a long entry for me with far too many words and I really need coffee now.... Ianto's rationing it for some reason he's paranoid about me keeling over when we're having sex.... Never gonna happen before orgasm that much I can promise! **ENTRY CLOSES**


	4. Chapter 4

**TORCHWOOD 3 LOG: CAPTAIN JACK HARKNESS**:

Ianto has the patience of a saint. He spent almost 22 hours dealing with this orbiting vessel that actually ended up doing very little before flying off. It looks like they were running scans and we finally found a match in the database, a Jontese pleasure cruiser, shame my teleports not working that could have been fun!

Gwen and I meanwhile got lumbered with an extremely grumpy Weevil and a Hoax call to the police about little green men with wings....Faeries never far from my thoughts, not a rose petal in sight. Gwen decided to stay late so that Ianto could catch up on some sleep as once again he pulled a 30 hour shift without a break. I've managed to keep Gwen down to no more than 16 hours at a time. I know she'd do more but she has Rhys to think about and I do not want her to lose him. He has been very supportive. He came by the Hub with freshly cooked food for us all and then he stayed until Ianto was up so he could drive Gwen home. I know he worries about her, but he's embraced the fact that Torchwood has rather taken over things recently and he's helped us through it.... gotta admire that really, she has a good man there.

I've been sleeping about 2 hours each night at varying times, Ianto doesn't get much more than that though I've left him to sleep longer whenever I could. He's such a light sleeper though and the moment I get up, he's awake. We haven't been apart for months now. I'm glad because I can't imagine him not being there, but he's taking the brunt of our increased work load and needs to get a decent rest. I'm tempted to slip a sedative into his coffee but I know he'd be mad if I did.

At least Myfanwy is feeling better, I think Ianto will be very upset if she dies on us. He was telling me that it's like being a kid with a dragon having her as a pet. Not sure I'd want a fire breathing lizard curled up on the end of my bed!

We've got another defence conference coming up..... I'm going to have to send Ianto to London for a couple of days. Haven't broke the news to him yet, he really hates London, but the flat cap politicians like dealing with him and he doesn't get annoyed with them like I do. I know I can trust him to do and say all the right things and then we can shag ourselves senseless when he gets back. The bottom line we need an increase in our budget, which I know we will get because the crown have already authorised it, Ianto just has to sign the paper work. It will mean I can put Rhys on the payroll, he does so much for us, the least I can do is send some money his way as I know he and Gwen are looking for a house now.

Started going over all the regular checks in the Rift manipulator, the 'spike couplers' need replacing so I guess I will need to do that today, the damn coils burn through so quickly because the Rift is spewing much higher levels of meson radiation lately. I'm going to ask Martha over to check us all out to make sure none of us are likely to suffer any ill effects. My main concern is Ianto as he practically lives in the Hub these days and is exposed to it far more than Gwen or I.

**Medical:** We are.... appear to be ok, just tired, over worked. Ianto needs some time outside in the daylight. Gwen going on holiday tomorrow it will do her good.

**Personal:** If that lot I've just written isn't.... All this time I have been alive and I have seen so many people that I have known die or move on. I've had dealings with Torchwood since the late 1800s and never before have I felt the absence of any of it's employees before. Owen and Tosh: whilst I know I am no longer grieving, I do miss them still find myself about to ask one of them something before I have to check myself before opening my mouth. Perhaps it is because they were the first people I chose to be part of my first full team, they became the ones I was wholly responsible for. I feel guilt, I suspect I will for a long time to come. I know I have to pull my finger out and recruit replacements before something gives, it feels finally like saying good bye to Tosh and Owen. One day I will have to do that to Ianto and Gwen, the very thought of it makes me feel sick in my stomach. I wish there was a way of sharing my gift, to give them stronger bodies, to allow them to live, maybe not longer but.... I don't know. Ianto is the first relationship I've had for so long and he's actually the longest one I've ever had, I ran out on Estelle before we got to this point and Caroline died (That was like almost 100 years ago) I hardly remember her, just a face on a wedding photo.... all that time being buried, I've lost so much. I keep going over it, wondering how I can preserve my memories.... Of Ianto. I really do not want to lose them but there is only so much that will fit in my head. The Doctor told me once some of the Time Lords chose immortality and were left entombed with Rassilon as a result. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, sometimes I hate Rose for what she did to me but then I have to remind myself that it came from innocence and love, I can't hate that. Ianto seems to think that I have a gift, he thinks I am going to become this great wise old thing travelling the universe fixing the bad stuff like the Doctor does. I hope he's right..... sounds like a lonely life to me though. I asked him if he would take immortality if it were offered to him and he said no. He said the only reason he would take it is to be with me and that that wasn't a good enough reason because he wasn't certain that love could last that long. I have to admire his honesty, I'd like nothing more than to have him by my side forever.... you know when you find the one and he is the one for me. I guess I just have to make the most of the here and now..... Think I need a large scotch after that. **ENTRY CLOSES.**

**AN: not sure if this one works....**


End file.
